When it comes to friends and family, we can often identify at least three types of support.
Why might it be important to know about these types of supports? Well, let’s think of it this way:
Have you ever taken a course on “how to support someone” in high school or in a higher education? Your answer is very likely going to be a no. Even we, as therapists, haven’t seen a course called “supporting our clients and loved ones” in a curriculum. Sure, there’s theories, and sometimes protocols, but really being able to listen and offer great care – it just isn’t well taught.
Getting to know the three main types of support not only gets you thinking about what you do when a friend is crying about their recent breakup, or when a family member has lost their job; it can also help you identify how your loved ones support you.
Knowing each friend and family members support style can often help you narrow down who you should go to for certain types of situations.
Let’s show you the three types, and then we’ll explain this last thought further.
Amplifying support
Let’s start with an example: things aren’t going great, you have a bad day, and to add icing on the cake your boss (or even partner) makes a remark that rubs you the wrong way. You go over to a friend’s house, or call a family member, and you share this frustrating experience with them. Well, what’s your loved one’s reaction? They might say something like “Oh my gosh, they’re horrible for saying that! How dare they say something like that? They’re ridiculous! That was uncalled for, you should be mad! Gosh, I’m so mad for you!”
Sometimes, this is the exact response that we’re looking for. We want to feel heard, understood, and validated! We sometimes just want to know that we’re not alone, and that our friends or family would react the same way that we did.
This type of support can sometimes feel so empowering. It can also be very unproductive. It might only amplify our own feelings, and now we’re just stuck in a rage/annoyance and we have difficulty getting out of these emotions. Sometimes, our loved ones get so wrapped up in supporting us that they’re the ones who are now upset. The roles become reversed and now we’re trying to console them. That isn’t something you really want to do after a long tiring day, is it?
In a worst-case scenario, we take our friends bad advice and text our partner telling them how horrible they are and we create even more tension in the relationship instead of talking calmly to them to try and resolve the issue.
Logical Supporters
As we discussed above, most people are inexperienced with providing good support. To makes things harder, a lot of people are really uncomfortable with difficult emotions, like anxiety, sadness, or anger. Once confronted by these difficult emotions, most individual’s reactions (often an instinctual reaction) are to fix it as quickly as possible.
This type of support isn’t always well intentioned, as it can be used as a band-aid to bigger problems like mental health disorders, but a lot of people really do try to fix things quickly, because they don’t like to see us in pain – and coming up with solutions makes us feel useful.
For example, you’re a student in college and you’re feeling really anxious about an upcoming exam. Your grades have been good all semester, but for some reason your anxiety and the pressure has just been increasing with every test. You confide in a friend or parent about your anxiety, and they respond by saying “Well just calm down. You should just study and you’ll be fine,” or they might respond with: “YOU’RE stressed? If anyone should be stressed, it’s me! You always get A’s, you have nothing to worry about!”
In this example, we weren’t looking for a solution or an answer to our problems, we might have been just looking for validation, or someone to listen to us to help lessen the load of stress we feel. Now we might just feel silly, dismissed, or even feel guilty about bringing up our own issues.
Don’t get me wrong, logical support has its moments where it’s helpful. An example might be that you’re feeling stressed about a project at work, and you’re not sure what to do about it. You confide in your coworkers and they respond with “Have you checked out the free resources in our coffee lounge? Those really helped clear up my own confusion when I had a similar project.” Or “I suggest you talk to our manager about this issue, they’re really understanding and will be happy to help point you in the right direction!”. Sometimes this is exactly what we need to hear. Maybe we hadn’t even thought of the solution yet, and our co-worker or friend provided us with an “aha” moment.
Emotional Supporters
The reason for this is because this type of support requires individuals to sit with discomfort, and for the most part – remain silent. This is often very difficult for many, as it doesn’t always provide immediate relief. It takes more time and energy, and it can be difficult to not offer up advice or reflections on what we would do in someone else’s place.
Emotional supporters are those who focus on providing empathy, caring, and compassion. They remain judgment free, and often can say things like “I’m here for you. I’m listening. Tell me what’s going on.” This type of support often feels like a warm hug, and can be a relief for many individuals.
It also just might be that it wasn’t the response you were hoping for. Maybe you were hoping for solutions, or validation, or you were wanting to experience your emotions before feeling ready to calm down.
As we can see, all three types of support have their pros and cons. None are inherently bad, and none are considered the best.
You might be tired of feeling angry with your partner, but your best friend often uses an amplifying type of support so you know talking about it won’t be productive. That’s okay! You might know that another friend is really great at providing emotional support, so you might ask them first, rather than going to your best friend, if it’s okay that you share with them what has been going on. This doesn’t mean you stop sharing things with your best friend, it just means that you have the knowledge and skill to choose what’s best for you, right now.
Maybe you have a parent who is very rational and provides logical support. That might not be helpful when you’re wanting to experience your emotions by talking to a friend who validates (amplifies) your emotions, or even talking to someone who will just focus on empathy (emotional), without offering any solutions.
Lastly, we’re not stuck in any category of these types of supports. We can change, or pick and choose which type of support we would like to use or receive.
