When the bad hasn't happened yet.
Anticipation can be exciting. A joyful rushing down the stairs to gleefully unwrap presents, dreamy imaginings of an upcoming beach vacation, or a red lipped Dr. Frank-N-Furter from the film Rocky Horror Picture Show watching you ‘shiver with antici-‘
Dramatic pause.
‘PATION!’
Anticipation can bubble out of us, as it is the act of looking forward and imagining our future.
But what happens when we anticipate failure? What if those imagined futures contains death, pain, horror, or loss?
Grief is often portrayed as a deep sorrow, the experience of coping with a loss. A mechanical “clunk” as our body’s machineries upset our stomachs, contort us in our sleep, tighten our chests and squeeze our throats. Grief suppresses immune systems, scorches nervous systems, and begs of us ‘how long? How long will this last?’
Grief is natural, healthy, and expected.
Yet also paradoxically grief is often taboo, considered shameful, and deeply isolating for many. It can be difficult for many to talk about their grief with others or feel that they have experienced something no one else has.
We can also feel the very real symptoms and pangs of grief before we experience the loss itself. This is known as Anticipatory Grief, where we begin to feel symptoms of grief due to the imagined outcomes of an anticipated event. A classic example of anticipatory grief is when a loved one has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. However, there is no defined specific event that can cause anticipatory grief as our experiences are always unique. Whether we begin to feel grief before a mastectomy, the loss of a partner during a divorce, the loss of freedoms or lifestyle changes in expected parenting, ANY anticipated loss can result in feelings of grief.
Given the social complexities and misunderstandings surrounding grief, many people find it especially difficult to speak about their feelings of anticipatory grief given ‘nothing has actually happened yet’ or ‘you’re being unrealistic or delusional’ or ‘unstable or weak’. These are painful, hurtful stereotypes, and are categorically untrue and have zero support from research, lived experience, and empathy. Yet they persist, and thrive in taboo, darkness, and silence.
What can we do?
1. Regardless of our own experiences, we can all benefit from looking inward and reflecting on our own thoughts, biases, and perspectives on grief. Negative opinions and beliefs about grief in our communities comes from members of our communities. Which includes…. Us. You. Our own words and actions shape how grief is perceived, and we can all work towards normalizing and removing the stigma in our own homes.
2. Talk. Share. In most cases, our loved ones still want to see us even if we are going to cry. There is no ‘right’ thing to say, and no magical combination of words to make everything okay again. And this is a relief. We do not have to carry the burden of a cure; we only need to be present and connect.
3. Build your support network. Relationships are rarely maintained without effort, and building a web of people to help and support us often requires us to deliberately seek them out. You may be surprised by who wants to be there for you. If we assume no one wants to help, we take away opportunity for our loved ones to help us. Family, friends, support groups, and online communities are excellent places to look for to find support.
4. Accept your feelings. Tolerance is being willing to endure, acceptance is defined by being open without change or judgment. You can tolerate your neighbors blaringly loud music or tolerate a coworkers political views about the moon landing. Learn to accept your grief, instead of merely tolerating it to survive.
5. Acknowledge the truth. Ask yourself if your imagined future is possible, reasonable, or expected. And if the answer is yes, what does that mean for you? Is it time to say goodbye, or speak unspoken and buried things? Is it time to release a relationship or start building towards a new imagined future? Is this really the end or are there new possibilities that you have not imagined? Is it possible for you (or anyone) to truly know what the future holds?
6. Counselling (for this is a psychotherapy blog, of course). While not always needed, a mental health professional can help you navigate life changes, feelings of grief, and connect you to further resources should they be needed. Finding a safe space to explore your thoughts, learn new coping skills and strategies, and receive validation can be difficult. Counselling is one way to find such a space.
Anticipatory grief can be painful, isolating, and overwhelming, but it can also be an opportunity to reflect, connect, and grow. By acknowledging our feelings, seeking support, and challenging our assumptions, we can learn to accept anticipatory grief and find meaning and hope in our lives.
