Explore small steps you can take to help when feeling isolated and alone.
Roughly, there are over two thousand condominium buildings in the city of Toronto. With about 300 people per building, the City of Toronto in 2016 estimated there were approximately 292,000 households who resided in condo units.
And 37% of them are lonely.
The Toronto Foundation 2023 special report found that Toronto is filled with the loneliest Canadians, with 925,000(!) people stating they felt lonely at least three days a week.
Conceptually, imagining 100 people inside the same building potentially separated by thin drywall feeling lonely seems like a paradox. Like starving in a grocery store.
But when digging down into the layers (like an onion, as Shrek would wisely say), starving in a grocery store is not that hard to imagine at all. Groceries are not a right. They are a product, sold at a profit to those who have the means. In the 2023 report, 33% found their income insufficient, 50% worried about themselves or family members having a stable job, and 22% ate less than they should due to lack of funds. In 2023, out of 2000 people polled, over 400 found themselves starving in a grocery store.
It is too easy to blame the internet, social media, or the dances young folk are up to.
It is too easy to suggest joining a club or making a day planner.
To do more yoga, as though bending our bodies enough will cure every illness we have.
People are not unlikable.
They are overworked, underpaid. They are tired, and don’t have time to have friends because most of their attention is focused on surviving.
Although loneliness is often a state of mind, it also can be curated, designed, and forced upon others for profit and exploitation.
Why ask a neighbor for sugar when everyone can have their own giant bag? Loneliness is created by the same system that creates local neighbourhoods filled with ten individual snowblowers, all used for twenty minutes a week, only three months of the year.
When one is lonely, there is nothing wrong with them. They are not a green ogre in a swamp actively scaring people away (and if they are, they should prepare for a pretty spectacular adventure).
There are many factors that contribute to loneliness, and a large part of them are overwhelmingly beyond the control of an individual. But recognizing that loneliness is more than our state of mind can help a great deal in locating the things that people can have control over. It is easier to resist when knowing unhappiness does not come from something broken or wrong within. Feelings of loneliness are normal and truthfully can be expected.
The good news is loneliness is temporary. It will not last forever, and there are things that one can do to help improve it:
Recognize if you are feeling lonely but challenge yourself on your assumptions on why that is. Our minds may tell us we are lonely because we are undeserving of companionship, but this is never true.
Deliberately, and with intention, choose one relationship you wish to build on, rekindle, or begin. A weekly phone call, a monthly coffee, a regular movie night, whatever activity you choose, invite one person to join you. They probably want to see you too.
- This will be hard, but committing to seeing someone regularly can help lay a foundation. You will both miss a day, reschedule, or go a while before restarting again. Persistence is key, the attempt is what is important. Building a habit will not happen overnight.
How are you spending your free time? Look at this without judgment, but with playful curiosity. Watching TV, playing games, or scrolling on your phone are not inherently negative or harmful things. These actions can bring us joy, comfort, and relief. Instead of labeling these activities as good or bad, ask yourself if this is what you want to be doing. If the answer is yes, I want to watch TV and relax tonight, then joyfully engage. If you instead feel trapped, stuck, or held hostage by an activity, then it might be time to change it.
- Once you’ve found an activity you enjoy, is there any way it can be turned into a social event? Can you have a watch party on Netflix with a friend? Is there a game or book that you can suggest to another person to co-read. If you order take out, can you think of someone who might want to share in an impromptu dinner? We may be surprised what activities are already in our lives that can be tweaked to include others.
Lastly, consider whether there is something in your life that may be contributing to your loneliness such as a deeper issue like trauma, anxiety, or depression. Looking inward, do you think you would benefit from outside help or support to address this issue?
You are not unlovable.
You are a being surviving in a complex world that makes it difficult to grow and nourish connections by design. Loneliness is a natural and expected response. And while many factors that increase loneliness are beyond our personal control, there are some small and concrete things we can do. Find them.
Send a text.
Ask a friend to watch a show along with you.
Reach out.
If Shrek can do it, you can too.
